I like my boys pretty and my coffee black

Island of Misfit Toys

(no subject)
Most days I have my life well sorted out. My work, priorities and everything in between. A marvel in competence and efficiency, some may say. I say its almost like I have these good days to make up for the shit ones. The ones where I feel like every cell of my body is weeping in protest when I even so much as attempt to open my eyes in the morning. All the websites and the self help books tell me what to do in these scenarios. Get some sunshine, take a warm bath, immerse yourself in a hobby. But they fail to tell me how to get out of bed. On days when you feel so mentally exhausted with the world that you cant even bring yourself to drag the sheets that are pooled around your feet over you, when even the idea of taking a sip of the glass of water lying on the side table makes you feel weary, when you are paralyzed with how weary the world has made you feel. Tell me how to get out of bed. That’s all I ask you. Tell me how to fucking get out of bed.

(no subject)
I dont know if its something about relationships or if its just me but lately I come home from every date or hang up from every phone call feeling completely hollow and empty inside. Maybe I am not happy with myself and how I have been and this translates to how I feel about us. Maybe its unfair of me to put so much pressure on him. He is, after all, just another boy. But maybe it is him. Maybe he doesnt even like me enough. Maybe he likes me as much as he possibly can but its just not enough for me.

He always makes me feel like I am on the outside asking him for more.. more time.. more emotion.. more attention

And at the end all I get is him calling me dramatic

(no subject)
You make me so fucking happy there is no words for it.
I thought I needed flowers and chocolates to be wooed
But all I need is to feel as cherished as you make me feel
With just a smile and your tenderness

(no subject)
It just occured to me that a lot of my moments of love could be traced in stair cases. Theres always a thrill about staircases, you seee. Its when you have your last little moment of privacy before entering a party, a household, a threshold of some kind. I am not the most comfortable with PDAs and so a quick peck on the cheek before entering a place thrills me to no ends and will probably keep me blushing more than an bold and brazen act ever could.

I remember loving you so much that it hurts even thinking about it till now. I remember looking at you and feeling like surely noone else in the world could ever even love another as much as I did you at that moment. I remember holding my breath everytime you looked at me because you literally knocked the wind out of my lungs. I remember thinking back to every terrible thing that had ever happened to me in my life and thanking God for it because somehow it lead me to you.

(no subject)
I havent posted here in the longest time but today I just felt like I had to.

I am getting that itch. The itch for something other than the normal. When my everyday work just feels so mundane I feel like banging my head against the wall. Maybe it would hurt. Most likely I would be in a lot of pain but atleast it would be a change.

I hate feeling like this or saying shit like this. All I can think about is that my aunt has cancer and is in the hospital. And I know for a fact that it seems ridiculous to complain about boredom when boredom in itself is such a luzury. But it is how I feel and I can pretend in front of others but I cant lie to myself that I am incredibly bored.

Perhaps I find work to be lacking in challenge. I feel like I am not really growing as a person. I still want the same things that I did 3 years ago and yet somehow I cant seem to do anythng about it.

I am contemplating which change to make. Should I look for a transfer? Should I get my posted someplace else hoping that the new place will bring with it new challenges and different changes? No. This would be a superficial change. I would still have the same work profile that I always did but its simply that the people would be different and thats a very minor difference.

Should I look for a deputation? I feel like this is the most logical move. The only problem is that I still am fairly inexperienced and so I would have to wait for a whille before I can make any such change. And waiting is something that has become tiresome.

Its a ridiculous thought and one that I will hopefull not go through but I have actually contemplated getting married. Perhaps that would be the change that is needed. The problem with this is that I am not in love with anyone and I am not jaded enough to marry someone I do not love. I see the people around me doing this and it seems like such a temporary solution to a bigger problem. Mostly people get married just so others will stop asking them the most dreaded of questions "So, when are you getting married?"

Great. Now, I have a headache as well!

(no subject)
What was I taught
As a child, a young girl, a teenager
That though it burns
Stings and itches
I refuse to wear
Instead of contacts

(no subject)
Its the strangest thing
But everytime I have trouble sleeping
There comes a moment
Around the time dawn breaks
When I start getting nightmares
Or more like seeing things
And it always is connected to guilt
Of all the things I have done
That are considered sinful
And in that one instant
I believe the solution
For every problem and ailment
Is to go to church on Sundays

(no subject)
They say
Depression in summer
Feels hazy and confused
The lights too glaring
Colours too vivid

I must say
I must say
At the end
We made me feel
Just the same

(no subject)
I left you
Hoping you would change
And come back to me

You left me
Wanting for you
You never came back

(no subject)
Many have loved me since you
But no matter how kind they are
How much they do
The patience they show
Every Taylor Swift song
And Siken poem
Is about what we could have been


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